all i can be is alyssa marie

Well I can't sleep. I am so stressed about packing everything, and thinking i'm going to over-pack, and/or forget something. I am so excited at the same time, I can't wait. I can't wait to see my husband :)

Today I learned something. Hope. I learned what it really means. It means strength, strength to hold on. Even if others are doubting you, even if you once doubted yourself, having hope means having more strength. There is no such thing as false hope. I hope that one day, I can receive a double lung transplant. I have faith in that, and a lot of hope. Even if I never receive one, my hope still remains. Why not have hope? You don't know what will happen. Life is crazy, and it's full of hope.

At 9:30AM This morning, Heaven received a beautiful, red-headed angel. Her name is Eva, Eva Markvoort. She fought the long battle of Cystic Fibrosis, and Post-transplant rejection. She was waiting for her second transplant, but as her lung function continued to spiral down, she became to weak, and new lungs didn't come soon enough. The thing I love about Eva, is she knew in her heart what was happening, but she loved everyone, so so much. She loved everyone SO much, that she blogged every day until the day she passed. In her weak fragile state, she wanted to update the world with how she was doing. She is such a beautiful girl. I hope that if I face trials and tribulations like her, I can be half of the woman she was. She will be missed, by many people, not to mention the CF community. We love you Eva, and you have given love a whole new definition. May you smile, and be with the angels & good Lord above.

And thank you, for teaching me what you have.

As of this second in time, I feel good. :) Ooooooh yeah. *duh duh duh duh* Like I knew that I would, so good, ah ah, so fine, that i got you! bum bum bum buuum!

Ha, whatever! It's true though. In 15 minutes it will be 3 days until I fly out to South Carolina. I cannot wait. I have butterflies in my stomach as I type. That is all. I just wanted to share my happiness because I have kinda felt crappy lately lol. Woop.





:D

I'm at the point right now, where I don't even know what anything means... and if anything meaningful has a meaning, because everything seems absolutely senseless. I think people just say the phrase 'time flies when you are having fun', as an excuse... because whether or not we accept it, time flies period. I've been pretty sick now for the past almost 6 months, and it seems just like yesterday I was having better days. Out of these 6 months, I don't think a day has been fun. Despite the fact that I have been sick, I have been horribly lonely. Refer back to my older posts of my husband going to bootcamp. It's almost like before everything gets better, it must get it's worst. Or maybe that's just what people say to make themselves sleep better at night.

On a lighter note, I got my doctors to release me for a few days on the 30th-4th, to go to South Carolina to visit my husband, and watch him graduate. By all of the letters he sends, I can tell he is enjoying it. I think deep down, the unknown of the military scares him, but the unknown of anything scares anyone really. From what he tells me, he is a very good gunman, and he has been picked as one of the top in his platoon & company. I don't really know how that works, but I know it's a good thing. I am pretty proud of him, seeing as the "old Nick" he left behind was kind of a couch potato, so all of this is quite a change. I love him so much, and I really think that going out there will be the best thing for him, and for myself. I think a transition will be good for me. I am so tired of seeing the same people, doing the same things, sitting in the same bed, receiving the same medicines, breathing the same air. It's controversial whether or not this will be good for my health, but I know my doctor wouldn't let me go if it wasn't. Well, he wouldn't let me go unless it was AMA. Which I probably wouldn't do. I am not that bad off. I just can't believe he is almost done already, it feels just like yesterday I was crying about him leaving in a week.

I don't know where life will take me after that week. I know he will be going to Virginia, and then I will probably stay here until I get better. I want to move with him so bad, but we really wont find out anything until he gets where he's going. Some say I can move, some say I can't. I think him and I both are on the same page where my health is concerned. I need to stay here until I am well enough to handle a move. And this would be a very big move. I am so tired of moving though, I mean I moved at least 5 times last year. I am too tired to even want to count, but 5 at the least.

I am pretty tired now, so I think I am going to go. Sorry for the lack of posts. I don't think many people read this anyways.

Alyssa

I feel as if sleep is a nutrient.
Another nutrient, that I am lacking.
Sleep deficiency. Insomnia? Understatement.
What is sleep?
What are the feelings before sleep?
Loneliness? Afraid? Disorientation?
Falling asleep, falling deep into a hole.
Never landing, reality awaking.
Light turns on, noises all around.
Reality? This is reality.
Time for antibiotics. It's only 7am.
Sluggishly dragging my feet around
the house. Cocktails of pills.
Stop. Breathe. Cough. Breathe. Sit.
Eat, exercise, rest. Rest? What is rest?
My eyes close, to good to be true.
Wake up, it's 12 afternoon. More antibiotics.
Needles, saline, powdered substances, mixing.
Mixing this potion that will make my days easier.
Or harder?
Eat. rest.
The vest, it shakes reality into my bones.
My dry cough, so sad.
Breathe in this liquid. .
Nothing happening.
Cough, Cough, cough.
Time for dinner.
Can't hold you down.
Little tiny pills, make my nausea disappear.
I will eat later.
7pm, IV's again.
No escape from this leash.
No escape from this hell.
Bed time, time to cry, don't let anyone see you.
Bravery so others call it...
I call it robbery.