all i can be is alyssa marie

Well, i'm back out of the hospital, yet again. This was a relatively short stay for me- 10 days. I'm back at my moms house, in BFE, of course. No cell reception, hughes.net and TV (which we all know, if we know me well enough, that I detest TV). But at least I am here with family, i'm not alone, and I have some home cooked meals. I think that's what all of us CFers really look forward to when we get home to family, home cooked meals, and the comfort of our own beds... although i'm not in my 'own' bed, the spare bed will suffice. I'm on IV's for 10 days, or should I say, "IV" because i'm only on 1, doripenem, if any of you cared :). After i'm done i'll probably go home 3 or 4 days later, being it a 2 week stay at da mamas.

Right now I am just trying to be one with my emotions, dealing with Nicks deployment coming up in October. We've been away from each other for 8 months now, so you would think it would be a piece of cake, but not really. I was led to believe (or more so made myself believe- big mistake) that I would be living with my husband on base after bootcamp and school/training. Boy was I wrong. So here I am thinking that I would be living happily in the next few months with my love, and then BAM, "I have bad news". Now I will go another 12 months (if everything goes smoothly) without seeing my husband. Instead of him being the three thousand miles away, he is going to be about 3x farther. It's not the distance, nor the time really that gets me... It's just the place he's going, Bagram, Afghanistan. It makes me mad just typing the location. Obviously I have never been there, but from what i've seen (from google), it's not pretty, and it looks unsanitary, and just over-all disgusting. The fact that communication is tough to come by, and mailing to a different country takes about a thousand years, really gets me down too. I wish I could just tell him I love him every night. I don't even need a reply back, I know he loves me and I don't need to question that, I can look at the stars every night and the way they wink at me is a sure sign from God that he is OK and that he loves me just as much as the day we got married, if not even more. And I know that he knows the same exact thing. A text, an e-mail, or a phone call. As of right now we really don't know the 411 on having computers there, but if he can, he will definitely be getting one sooner or later. If you ask if I am scared of him getting hurt, the answer is yes, of course I am. I have the biggest feeling in my heart and soul that he will be okay and he is in Gods hands. He is a helicopter mechanic, so he won't exactly be at battle... but I know their are always the chances of them attacking the base, or location or what have you. I just pray that God will watch over my husband, and bring him home safely, and that when he looks up at the beautiful stars at night, he knows that I will be looking at those same stars, and it will make us feel closer.


I am closing in at an end now, I am pretty exhausted being it my first day out of the hospital. I will write more later :) Take care my loves.



Love always,
Alyssa.

It's 3:49 and I can't sleep, I'm in the hospital and the only sound I hear is the sound of silence echoing in my ears, or maybe it's just the blood flowing in my ears. I'd really like to go home and get back into the swing of things. But it's kind of nice to be able to have that break when you are sick, and have the nurses do your meds for you... but you gotta remember - don't get used to it, because no ones going to do it for you when you get home! Or at least no one is for me, anyways. I'm a little skeptical on how Tri-Care works with hospital stays. I forget what the percentage is that they pay for the bill. I know what it is for prescriptions, but I don't know for hospital stays. I guess we'll see.

On a different note, why are some people so fucked up? I really will never understand. I don't even know why I became friends with her in the first place, but I did, and I regret it. What kind of 'best friend' tells another friend to die? specially when they have a chronic illness... and not only to die, but to rot in hell? That's pretty pathetic. But of course, she would never have the heart to say it to my face... because she has no heart at all. I really don't think she knows what love actually is, which is a bummer considering she's married. Oh well, that friendship was toxic, and it was making me extremely sick, and I am just so glad that she is finally out of my life, and across the country... for good. I don't ever want to see her face, or anything that reminds me of her. I've never actually wanted to physically hurt somebody before, but if I had to pick a person, she would definitely be it.

I guess i'm going to go... I just felt like saying whatever was on the top of my mind, since no one is online to talk to. Hopefully 30 minutes will fly by, and I can have my medicine, and then go to bed. Yup.

Nick got to come home around the second week of August! It was so amazing to finally see him again. While I waited for him at the airport I felt like a little kid, my heart was skipping beats, and I was super nervous! The moment I saw him step on the escalator, my blood stopped flowing and in that moment, right there.... I was reminded that this love is as real as it gets. I can't even explain the way he looked at me, but it made me feel like I was the most special important person in that airport. Time flew by so fast with him here, that saying goodbye came too fast!

Now nick is stationed at Ft Drum in New York (Watertown). It is about 6 hours north of NYC. We had planned on me moving out there by the end of this month, but that's not happening. We found about 2 weeks ago, that Nick is going to be deployed in mid-October, to Bagram, Afghanistan. It really breaks my heart. I am not worried about his safety, because I know God will watch out for him and his platoon. I am just slightly upset that they changed his orders. He will be there for a good 12 months, and maybe longer, depending on what starts happening over there. Rumor has it that he may get to come home early since he is in the 'family-in-waiting' category. I've learned to not really listen to rumors in the military, because half of the time, people are just talking out of their asses. I am going to stay in Redding until we know the exact dates he will be coming back home. Since he will be deployed out for a year, he will get R&R when he comes back, so that's a good 20 days we can move everything to NY. Meanwhile I am putting my 30 days notice in at the apartment complex I am at (for numerous reasons I will save for another post lol). My uncle Mike and I are rooming and getting a new town house together. I'm sooo excited for this, and I know so much stress will be lifted off my shoulders once this happens. Some of the things in my apartment right now, such as the couch, kitchen table, fridge, etc, will all be put into a storage shed. I'll pack up the things I don't need, and then when it comes time to move out to NY, the only thing I will really need to pack up, is my bedroom... which is awesome! Everything else will be in the storage and ready to go. Now next year needs to hurry up!

I turned 21 a few weeks ago, once again, I feel no different that I felt when I turned 15, 16, 17 and so on. But it is nice to know that I don't have to feel like a little kid anymore when my friends want to go to happy hour! I went to Johnny's Cathouse twice since my birthday, but I can definitely say that the bar really isn't my thing, specially when I am not with the people I feel most comfortable around. Way too many people pushing and shoving, creepers trying to dance with you and touch you, and bitch ass girls pushing you for no reason. Sorry, not my thing! I would love to go to an actual club though, that's more my style! I am too good for the bars around here, haha! I'm too good for a lot of things though, and I'll admit it!

I'm in the hospital right now for a few days, I am pretty sure I will be out by the end of the week, and I think I'll be going back to my moms while I am on IV's. Such a pain in the ass, but she helps me out tremendously. I'm in Mercy right now - didn't feel like going to my CF specialists. Oh speaking of which (if anyone actually reads this) - I am not going to Davis anymore, I switched all of my care to Stanford in Palo Alto, CA. I love it so much so far, all the doctors are amazing and they really care about every single aspect of my health. Whereas Dr. Morrisey could give two shits less if I stayed alive or not. I was diagnosed with Osteoporosis last time I went to the doctors. I knew my joints and bones were aching for a reason! Im not a hypochondriac after all! Woohoo! *dance*, LOL just kidding. My glucose testing for CFRD came back negative, thank heavens. I would really be knocked off my rocker if I had that on top of everything else. Now that I am on new insurance, I am going to try to get a hearing aid again. Hopefully it works out! If not, well I guess i'll continue to not listen to people ;).

Dove had her baby a few days ago, his name is Beau Lucas Fiscus. Oh my goodness, he is such a cutie pie. I am so happy for her, she is going to be the best mama. I know a lot of people say that about their friends, but I really believe that she will. I have seen Dove go through so many obstacles to get to where she is now, and she is such an independent strong woman and has learned a lot about life in a short amount of time. Congrats Dove! I love you :) Also, Anna is expecting another baby! She is still in her first trimester, so anything can happen at this point, but I am definitely keeping my fingers crossed for a healthy strong little girl! I hope she is happy!

I will post a picture post tomorrow of some things Nick and I did while he was here! Until then, Goodnight!

I wish you all health love and happiness.