all i can be is alyssa marie

Okay, so I can't sleep, I am feeling my eyelids get a tiny bit heavier by the hour though... not to mention my back is in some serious pain from sitting here for a while. I just dumped out all the Christmas leftovers, because if I didn't I am sure Nick would eat them even with mold all over them... I don't know why, but he doesn't care about that stuff, lol yuck! Let's just say our fridge looks really sad now, and is in need of some love. Donations, anyone? Haha, just kidding.

My doctors from UC Davis called me today, and let me know that they found out whats growing in my lungs, and how we are going to treat it, etc etc. Basically I am going to do another round of IV antibiotics for 3 months (eek), and then two orals. Hopefully we get rid of this fucking thing. I'm pretty sick of being sick.

Not including today (new years eve), Nick leaves in 18 days. I can't really believe it... I am going to miss him so much. I know I am being a wah baby and I post about it too much, but I just hope he knows how much I really really love him. I am sad that it will be lonely where he goes, and he will barely get to talk with me. Hopefully it will go by fast... I can't wait to give him a big hug and kiss when he comes back. God I love him. I'm getting all emotional now, damnit.

Well tonight I guess we are going to go to Nick's dad's house... So that should be fun, they are all pretty nice. I bought a new dress to wear for new years a couple weeks back, and now I don't even think that I am going to wear it, because I will be overly dressed, and that's just embarassing. I am going to be doing my makeup nice though, if that counts for anything. :)

Okay, well I think I am going to go to bed or something, I am so bored I don't even know what to do. Later loves.

xx

My sleeping pattern is all sorts of f'ed up. Not to mention I am having hot flashes to the extreme.

I was laying in bed, and so many things have been running through my mind, that my mind is on like speed mode. I am so excited to start my life with Nick, but I am so torn by it at the same time. No one really knows what my health is doing, but it scares me, it scares me that something might happen to me and I will never be with Nick again. I want to pray, so I will do so out-loud, I hope no one is offended by this. You shouldn't be, though.


God,

I pray that no matter what day it is, that you instill courage and faith into all of our lives. That we all have someone to look up to, and that we all have goals through out our lives. God, I just want to ask that you put all of your love and warmth into the arms of the many families who've lost their loved ones this year. Lord I ask selflessly that you give me the strength to go on while Nick is in boot camp, and to become better for him, for me. I also pray that you put your loving arms around my family, and give them the faith and hope to not give up on me. You are the glory and my cement block to my life. Lord, you have given me hope when I saw no light at the end of the tunnel. I have heard your voice roar across the heavens into my heart, and felt the warmth of your sweet breath. Lord, God, please let the weak understand that you have a bigger plan for us than we know. I have faith in you Lord, and I love you with all of my heart. Amen.

I'm not afraid to admit that I am scared. But I am not scared of death itself, just the amount of time it may come in. I want to experience life before I go. I also want to be here for Nick as much as I can. He means the world to me, and I don't think that words can express my love for him. I know that it's hard for him to see me like this, and it's got to be harder knowing that in a few weeks, he wont be able to be here for me. He is truly the strongest man i've met in my days. I want nothing but happiness for him, and I want us to be happy together, for as long as God chooses us to be so.

I think I just needed to get some thoughts out of my head, because I have nothing else to really say now. Maybe I can make some food and be tired. Goodnight!

Sorry to all of my lovely readers for not blogging on so long. I've kept you guys in suspense mode for just way, way too long. Shame on me. Let's see...

Christmas: Christmas in general was ok. Not to sound like a greedy person, but it was just ok. Christmas eve totally blew, and leave it to me to ruin it for everyone. I was supposed to make some beautiful card for my moms birthday (which would be Christmas eve), and have dinner, open presents at my moms house. Well, I didn't get the card done, I still have yet to do it, which kind of makes me feel like some sort of asshole. I backed out of my Tylenol/Motrin-4-hour-rotation, so I wound up running a fever, and crying like a baby about my health. We didn't even get to my moms birthday cake. How pathetic. She wasn't upset by any means, but still... I felt like an arrogant ass. Anyway, we got home around 9:30, and I exchanged presents with Brandi, she made me such a beautiful blanket. I really love it so much, I am really bad at expressing emotions when I am happy for some reason, but I love it, a lot. I feel like our relationship is going to be like Linus and his little blue blanket. I got her a cute little plaid jacket, it might be too small though. But she loves it!

Christmas day I slept in way longer than I was supposed to. We were supposed to be at Nicks Nana's around 11 and we didn't even show up until 12. I didn't wind up doing my makeup, just my hair... and didn't dress up for it. Before we left, I opened the present that Nick got me, and it was a lovely ruby necklace. It's his birthstone color, because every time I look at it, it will remind me of him :) I thought that was the sweetest thing ever. Then we were off to his grandparents house, and let's keep in mind... they are those really slow drivers that piss everyone off, lol. We had to carpool with them on the way to Redbluff (about 45mins away), which took like an hour 1/2. That was exciting, but my blackberry and candy kept me entertained enough. Lol. We got to his moms house in Redbluff around almost 2 and opened presents. I got way more presents than I thought I would, and I pretty much love them all. They are basically gift cards and clothes. But it's still exciting, now I can go buy some makeup :). Christmas dinner guests included; me, Nick, (Nicks brother WAS there but left), Gary's brother, and his wife. Dinner was good, but we sat around way too long and talked about retirement plans. Haha, how boring. I managed to start my stupid period in the middle of all that so we had to go to the gas station. Let's see hmm... That's about all, we went home and then crashed, Christmas was exhausting.

Yesterday Nick went over to his Dad's for Christmas, I didn't go because I guess his dad was REALLY sick, so it probably wouldn't be the wisest choice. He got some nice personal gifts, like Winter Brew, a beautiful calender with amazing art in it, and some nice art tools. We got a scale for our bathroom, i've been dying to get one, because I hate not knowing how much I weigh. And it's hard to set and achieve my goals if I don't know... so YAY! I also got a nice scarf, gloves, and hat. Some stalking stuffers.... and really neat smelly bubbles. I feel like a kid again :)

That pretty much explains the past couple days, nothing else exciting has happened. Later loves.

I don't even know if I can say that I like sleeping anymore... I feel like I am constantly being awoken during the night by various things, dreams, paranoia, pain, coughing, my husband shuffling around, body slamming himself as he rolls over (in times like those, investing in a tempurpedic doesn't sound too bad). I don't know if it's like a depression thing or what, but it really blows. I can't even remember the last time I woke up and felt like I had a GREAT nights sleep. Maybe it's just a part of getting older. I think I woke up atleast 6 times between 8am-12pm (I slept in, mind you) this morning. I was afraid to look at the clock when I finally woke up because I swore it was going to be at the very least like... 4 haha. I was a little relieved to know it was only 12. I didn't get to bed until about 5am though, due to my lovely entertainment.

So as of today, Nick leaves in exactly a month... I know it's not permanent, but I feel like time isn't promised anymore.... (due to the loss of so many friends this year). He'll be gone for somewhere around 3 months, and when I compare it, it's like... he'll be gone for as long as we've been married so far. 3 whole months. Time has passed fast with him here, but for him to be gone for 3 months, and me having to deal with whatever life will throw my way is going to be hard. Selfishly of course I don't want him to go, but I knew that this would eventually happen. I guess it's just harder to deal with when reality slaps you in the face.

Anyways, speaking of losing people... I don't even know. It seems like SO many CFers have passed away this year... It just really breaks my heart. It's so hard to stay strong and in a positive mind set when you are sick and those around you are literally dropping like flies. I've had a few mental break downs this year, it's horrible. As for now I am on my anti-depressents, until I know that I am strong enough to face things on my own. I miss everyone though, It's like, every new song I hear on the radio i'm like "I wonder if so-and-so would like this song" but i'll never know, because they aren't here anymore. It's so weird to know that I met Daniel a year ago in octoberish, and now he is gone. I mean I didn't even really know him for a full year, but I felt like he led a big impact on my life, like what could happen to you if you don't take care of yourself. And then there is Jon (no cf), my best friends dad, whom played a important role in my life... He was just an amazing person, and he went off the deep end. And in the end, I couldn't even be there for my best friends. It makes me feel like a horrible person, but they know I am sick, and I can't do some things. But he always put off the 'you can do anything as long a you set your mind to it' vibe. It was nice, because it's pretty true. To me, anyways. Then I heard about Ashley Little who passed away, granted I never met her, but she was such an inspiration to me.... Her and her family were so so proactive about her health, and even when transplant was the only option, they took it on like a champ... And now the Lord gave her her wings. I am just so confused as to why life has to work that way. When half of us are just killing ourselves, and she just wanted life. I start thinking that she never got to fall in love, get married, have kids, go to prom, none of the things a girl always wants. :( Anyways I just get too far into thinking. But I miss all that have been taken away. May the good die young.

Eh, I think I am going to attempt the kitchen, it needs to be cleaned, and it's definitely not going to do it itself. Goodbye for now!

Well, I thought i'd start new.... I will have my personal blog (this one) and then my CF blog, which I will link when I am done. No promises how much i'll keep up, hopefully half-assed though. Anyways...

I haven't been up this late for so long, 4:20 in the morning and i'm like not even tired really. I just yawned while I typed that though.... ironic. I'm so glad i've been feeling better the past couple days, I feel like a different person. I want to get this damn ugly thing out of my chest though, i'm over being paranoid about it. Let's hope we can get it out soon, and keep it out for a long long time.

I was a little upset the other day because I realized that time is flying by and I don't like it... Nick and I have already been married for three months, and now he leaves in exactly 1 month to date. I won't see him for an estimated 2 1/2 to 3 months. I am like way bummed about that. I hope I can manage to stay healthy for atleast 2/3rds of the time we have left together. Staying in the hospital over our first holidays and last weeks together isn't exactly what I had in mind before he left... but life throws curve balls at me, and a lot. Whatever.

We got our tree decorated and all pretty a couple days ago.... We've had the actual tree up for atleast a week with just the lights on. I was feeling too petty and disgusting to want to do such a festive fun holiday tradition when I was feeling totally opposite. It looks beautiful though. It's red and silver and has little fake icicles all over. His mom got the tree for us, for an awesome bargain price... and she hooked us up with decorations, she really is a nice lady. I don't think I give her enough credit.

We are going to my moms for Christmas Eve, and doing my moms side of the families Christmas on that day. It's also her birthday, which totally sucks for her (more so when she was little, talk about present robbing- haha). I have a nifty idea in my head for her gift, so now all I need to do is get to an arts and crafts store. (I don't want to post my idea just yet because their could be that slight 0.1% chance she is reading this, lol. You know- with parents facebooking and myspacing these days.

I guess I should wrap this up and go to bed, so good night everyone. Sleep well.