all i can be is alyssa marie

You know, I really don't care that much for the holidays. Maybe Thanksgiving... but that's probably it, only because I can eat and whenever someone at the dinner table feels like they need to say something I don't really care about, I can just shovel some more food in my mouth - good excuse not to talk.

Thanksgiving came and went already, and now is Christmas' turn. While I lived with my mom, we barely got the Christmas tree up on time. It was horrible. My mom has never been much of a holiday person. You could drive by our house and never feel the holiday spirit... I only remember putting lights up one year, and then leaving them up all year-round, just so my ex-step dad didn't have to do it again the following year. Shouldn't doing things like that be fun? Isn't that what gets you into the 'sprit' of Christmas? Or whatever holiday you celebrate? Putting the tree up has always been a nightmare - for me. I don't know how my brother and sister feel about it. My mom always has to have her tree look the same way every freaking year and it's pretty annoying. The kids should be able to put the ornaments where they want, and leave them there. That's what makes the tree. It's not supposed to look picture perfect unless you are a interior designer that absolutely detests the thought of even having children. *sigh*. Not to mention putting the tree up is honestly the death of me... it always turns into a mini-family fight every year. I did not participate in the tree decoration at my moms last year, and I won't be this year, just because I am finally out on my own. When I did live with my mom, the last few years I found it easiest to just come out of my room, put 3 or 4 ornaments up, and go back into my room, with HOPE that no one would want to pick a fight with me.

Since I grew up like this, I find it hard to get into the spirit of Christmas. Last year was Nick and I's first Christmas, and I'll admit, it was really hard for me to get my ass up and help put the tree up. But I can blame a lot of it on being sick, because I was tied up to IV's for a good 6 months, December falling into that net. Once I got up and started helping, it was actually fun, and since we don't have kids and things like that, we were able to make our tree pretty decent looking. I don't think I will be putting up my tree this year for a few reasons - 1. I don't feel like dragging the box out, putting the tree together, and cluttering my livingroom even more than it is, considering there really is no room for a Christmas tree in here. 2. I find it extremely depressing sick Nick isn't here, to even be decorating at all.... call me a humbug if you want, but it's how I feel, and I can't change that. 3. I am moving before Christmas, and hopefully having everything out by the 15th... which would leave me another thing to take down, put away, and so on and so fourth.... MAYBE I will put it up at the new apartment, maybe. It's so funny because I really pushed off putting the tree up last year, and poor Nick would beg me every evening... but now I would give nothing but to put the damn tree up with him. I hope next year is different.

And (they say to never start a sentence off with "and", but I do not care haha) to end this weird, depressing of a post... i'd like to present our Christmas tree from last year :) (side note: it's from a cellphone picture, not the greatest quality!)



DISCLAIMER: No my family does not fight all the time and we have a relatively decent relationship with each other, I just find this is how MY life is behind MY eyes during Christmas time. We are like any other family who loves, fights, and cares for each other. Please don't think otherwise just because of this post.

Well, i'm back out of the hospital, yet again. This was a relatively short stay for me- 10 days. I'm back at my moms house, in BFE, of course. No cell reception, hughes.net and TV (which we all know, if we know me well enough, that I detest TV). But at least I am here with family, i'm not alone, and I have some home cooked meals. I think that's what all of us CFers really look forward to when we get home to family, home cooked meals, and the comfort of our own beds... although i'm not in my 'own' bed, the spare bed will suffice. I'm on IV's for 10 days, or should I say, "IV" because i'm only on 1, doripenem, if any of you cared :). After i'm done i'll probably go home 3 or 4 days later, being it a 2 week stay at da mamas.

Right now I am just trying to be one with my emotions, dealing with Nicks deployment coming up in October. We've been away from each other for 8 months now, so you would think it would be a piece of cake, but not really. I was led to believe (or more so made myself believe- big mistake) that I would be living with my husband on base after bootcamp and school/training. Boy was I wrong. So here I am thinking that I would be living happily in the next few months with my love, and then BAM, "I have bad news". Now I will go another 12 months (if everything goes smoothly) without seeing my husband. Instead of him being the three thousand miles away, he is going to be about 3x farther. It's not the distance, nor the time really that gets me... It's just the place he's going, Bagram, Afghanistan. It makes me mad just typing the location. Obviously I have never been there, but from what i've seen (from google), it's not pretty, and it looks unsanitary, and just over-all disgusting. The fact that communication is tough to come by, and mailing to a different country takes about a thousand years, really gets me down too. I wish I could just tell him I love him every night. I don't even need a reply back, I know he loves me and I don't need to question that, I can look at the stars every night and the way they wink at me is a sure sign from God that he is OK and that he loves me just as much as the day we got married, if not even more. And I know that he knows the same exact thing. A text, an e-mail, or a phone call. As of right now we really don't know the 411 on having computers there, but if he can, he will definitely be getting one sooner or later. If you ask if I am scared of him getting hurt, the answer is yes, of course I am. I have the biggest feeling in my heart and soul that he will be okay and he is in Gods hands. He is a helicopter mechanic, so he won't exactly be at battle... but I know their are always the chances of them attacking the base, or location or what have you. I just pray that God will watch over my husband, and bring him home safely, and that when he looks up at the beautiful stars at night, he knows that I will be looking at those same stars, and it will make us feel closer.


I am closing in at an end now, I am pretty exhausted being it my first day out of the hospital. I will write more later :) Take care my loves.



Love always,
Alyssa.

It's 3:49 and I can't sleep, I'm in the hospital and the only sound I hear is the sound of silence echoing in my ears, or maybe it's just the blood flowing in my ears. I'd really like to go home and get back into the swing of things. But it's kind of nice to be able to have that break when you are sick, and have the nurses do your meds for you... but you gotta remember - don't get used to it, because no ones going to do it for you when you get home! Or at least no one is for me, anyways. I'm a little skeptical on how Tri-Care works with hospital stays. I forget what the percentage is that they pay for the bill. I know what it is for prescriptions, but I don't know for hospital stays. I guess we'll see.

On a different note, why are some people so fucked up? I really will never understand. I don't even know why I became friends with her in the first place, but I did, and I regret it. What kind of 'best friend' tells another friend to die? specially when they have a chronic illness... and not only to die, but to rot in hell? That's pretty pathetic. But of course, she would never have the heart to say it to my face... because she has no heart at all. I really don't think she knows what love actually is, which is a bummer considering she's married. Oh well, that friendship was toxic, and it was making me extremely sick, and I am just so glad that she is finally out of my life, and across the country... for good. I don't ever want to see her face, or anything that reminds me of her. I've never actually wanted to physically hurt somebody before, but if I had to pick a person, she would definitely be it.

I guess i'm going to go... I just felt like saying whatever was on the top of my mind, since no one is online to talk to. Hopefully 30 minutes will fly by, and I can have my medicine, and then go to bed. Yup.

Nick got to come home around the second week of August! It was so amazing to finally see him again. While I waited for him at the airport I felt like a little kid, my heart was skipping beats, and I was super nervous! The moment I saw him step on the escalator, my blood stopped flowing and in that moment, right there.... I was reminded that this love is as real as it gets. I can't even explain the way he looked at me, but it made me feel like I was the most special important person in that airport. Time flew by so fast with him here, that saying goodbye came too fast!

Now nick is stationed at Ft Drum in New York (Watertown). It is about 6 hours north of NYC. We had planned on me moving out there by the end of this month, but that's not happening. We found about 2 weeks ago, that Nick is going to be deployed in mid-October, to Bagram, Afghanistan. It really breaks my heart. I am not worried about his safety, because I know God will watch out for him and his platoon. I am just slightly upset that they changed his orders. He will be there for a good 12 months, and maybe longer, depending on what starts happening over there. Rumor has it that he may get to come home early since he is in the 'family-in-waiting' category. I've learned to not really listen to rumors in the military, because half of the time, people are just talking out of their asses. I am going to stay in Redding until we know the exact dates he will be coming back home. Since he will be deployed out for a year, he will get R&R when he comes back, so that's a good 20 days we can move everything to NY. Meanwhile I am putting my 30 days notice in at the apartment complex I am at (for numerous reasons I will save for another post lol). My uncle Mike and I are rooming and getting a new town house together. I'm sooo excited for this, and I know so much stress will be lifted off my shoulders once this happens. Some of the things in my apartment right now, such as the couch, kitchen table, fridge, etc, will all be put into a storage shed. I'll pack up the things I don't need, and then when it comes time to move out to NY, the only thing I will really need to pack up, is my bedroom... which is awesome! Everything else will be in the storage and ready to go. Now next year needs to hurry up!

I turned 21 a few weeks ago, once again, I feel no different that I felt when I turned 15, 16, 17 and so on. But it is nice to know that I don't have to feel like a little kid anymore when my friends want to go to happy hour! I went to Johnny's Cathouse twice since my birthday, but I can definitely say that the bar really isn't my thing, specially when I am not with the people I feel most comfortable around. Way too many people pushing and shoving, creepers trying to dance with you and touch you, and bitch ass girls pushing you for no reason. Sorry, not my thing! I would love to go to an actual club though, that's more my style! I am too good for the bars around here, haha! I'm too good for a lot of things though, and I'll admit it!

I'm in the hospital right now for a few days, I am pretty sure I will be out by the end of the week, and I think I'll be going back to my moms while I am on IV's. Such a pain in the ass, but she helps me out tremendously. I'm in Mercy right now - didn't feel like going to my CF specialists. Oh speaking of which (if anyone actually reads this) - I am not going to Davis anymore, I switched all of my care to Stanford in Palo Alto, CA. I love it so much so far, all the doctors are amazing and they really care about every single aspect of my health. Whereas Dr. Morrisey could give two shits less if I stayed alive or not. I was diagnosed with Osteoporosis last time I went to the doctors. I knew my joints and bones were aching for a reason! Im not a hypochondriac after all! Woohoo! *dance*, LOL just kidding. My glucose testing for CFRD came back negative, thank heavens. I would really be knocked off my rocker if I had that on top of everything else. Now that I am on new insurance, I am going to try to get a hearing aid again. Hopefully it works out! If not, well I guess i'll continue to not listen to people ;).

Dove had her baby a few days ago, his name is Beau Lucas Fiscus. Oh my goodness, he is such a cutie pie. I am so happy for her, she is going to be the best mama. I know a lot of people say that about their friends, but I really believe that she will. I have seen Dove go through so many obstacles to get to where she is now, and she is such an independent strong woman and has learned a lot about life in a short amount of time. Congrats Dove! I love you :) Also, Anna is expecting another baby! She is still in her first trimester, so anything can happen at this point, but I am definitely keeping my fingers crossed for a healthy strong little girl! I hope she is happy!

I will post a picture post tomorrow of some things Nick and I did while he was here! Until then, Goodnight!

I wish you all health love and happiness.

I've been really hooked on this new show (new to me), called "Six Feet Under", It's really great. It has the guy in it who plays in Dexter. Anyways it is about a family who live in a funeral home. The dad was the head undertaker, and he had passed away, so it's up to his two sons to keep the funeral home going. It's full of dark comedy, drama, and a lot of different emotions. All in all, it's great. I definitely think this is my new Nip/Tuck. Anyways, it really got me thinking last night. Are there people out there who's lives haven't effected anyone else? And when they die, no one is aware of it? I mean I am sure there are some people, but those people chose to live that way, for the most part. It just made me realize that I want to impact so many people before my time here on Earth is finished. Not saying I think I am going to die any time soon, but when I do, I want people to think "Oh! Alyssa showed me how to do that!" Or something like that... I want to inspire people and make people smile.

Ever since I could remember, when I was little I would get in trouble sometimes, and my Grandma would get mad at me. Just for that, I would be mad at her, even though she didn't do anything really, besides show her emotion for my action. But when she would be disappointed in me, it would be the worst feeling ever. And to this day, I hate it when people are disappointed in me! I can say that I really don't disappoint people a lot, but when I do, and if I do, I feel like saying a sincere "sorry" doesn't even help. And I feel like disappointment leaves a bigger mark on a person than anger does. So for anyone that I have disappointed, I am sorry. I often feel like I disappoint my family, and my friends, because of my health. The reason I feel like this is because when I was little, my Grandma raised me for the most part, and she made sure I was in top health. She pretty much poured her life into my health, and gave up everything else, just to make sure that her baby girl was healthy. When my mom and dad came into my life, they did the same thing. When I reached about 16 years old my health was in my own hands, and I bailed on my health. I bailed on myself. My health is at least 50% of who I am... and I just didn't care. I wanted to go out, do everything I could do, and then I would get completely sick. I did that until I was about 19. And now, I am making up for it, and everything that I did... is irreversible. Everything my Grandma did for me... I have completely fucked up.

So, this is why I feel like I am a disappointment to my family. I wish there was time machines, but their aren't. I know my family loves me with all that they are, and so do I... but I wish I could give them more. I wish I could be here with them until they all turn old and grey... But the possibilities are slim. My biggest regret is not taking care of myself though, because now I have found the love of my life, and our marriage could be ended by my passing one day. I still in vision us old, and grey together... but sometimes, reality hits.

Anyways, this wasn't meant to be a sad post at all, but it kind of turned out to be... Like I said, I don't think I am going anywhere for a long while. But I just wish my time here on earth was longer... But I made my mistakes, and this is me paying for it. For every action, their really is a consequence. Watch out.

I totally haven't blogged for so long, I don't know why, it's not like I am doing much. Well I went and saw Nick! Gosh, it was just so amazing. It couldn't of been any better (well we had one little blip, so maybe it could have), it was one of the best weeks of my life thus far. We arrived there Tues around 5pm local time, got our car, and went to our hotel. On Weds we drove around, went on base for a little bit, got the feel of everything, ate at Longhorn steak house, and then went back to our hotel. When we were on base, it was so weird being SO close to Nick, but not being able to see him, or tell him that we were there. The next day we arrived on base around 8am to see Nick @ Family Day. The traffic was ridiculous! It took us a good hour and a half to go 5 miles from our hotel to the base. We arrived there, and sat in some bleachers on a field, and watched all of the soldiers march out... It was so neat! I got butterflies in my stomach. We were trying to find Nick out of the 1,100 soldiers standing there, but since they all dress the same to a T, it was a little bit hard to find him. I felt like I was trying to find Waldo, but at least he's wearing that tacky red and white striped shirt! Haha. So they finally released everyone after talking to go on the field and find our soldier. "Go find your soldier", MY very own soldier, it is such a nice thing to hear. Well, of course, everyone was pushing and shoving to go down the ramp hooked on to the bleachers, that I was getting a little nervous, I hate when people push and shove, and are slow! I have really little patience, lol. So anyways, there was a slight crack in between the railing, and luckily, my skinny ass fit through! So I squeezed in between it (thank you CF! haha) and ran down a little hill (ran, HAHA did I say run? yup I did!) to try to find Nick. I couldn't find him at first, so his mom pointed him out. He was just totally standing there in formation until we ran up to him. We were both like so shocked that I had made it out there that it was completely dream-like. We were so cautious to hug each other it almost seemed, like if we did, we'd wake up. But sure enough I ran into his camouflage arms, and hugged him like the world was ending, and gave him a big kiss! I had already had his wedding ring in my hand, and when he grabbed my hand, his ring was in my palm, and it totally made him smile.

After all that, we got to spend all day on base with him and so we decided to go to the PX, and that shit was packed! I mean, we couldn't even eat, because it seemed like people were even sitting on peoples laps it was so packed. So Nick & I ran it and got some stuff at the exchange really quick, and jammed out of there. You can barely breathe. He had his first energy drink in 3 months. They weren't allowed to have caffeine or anything bad for your body.... Haha, he definitely hasn't changed :) So after that, we went to the subway in the shoppette across the way. OMG what a horrible experience! I mean this subway was TINY, maybe half the size of a restaurant in the food court at your local mall. Pathetic! So there was a line, and we literally waited 2 hours for a f-ing sandwich. Everyone in line started sitting on boxes in the store, it got so tiring, haha.. me included :). So while we were waiting we just sat there and chatted, it was nice, but it was totally wearing me out. We finally got to the front, and the customer service was HORRIBLE! I mean they only had like 2 people working, which was pathetic for how many customers they were having all day. Then, I don't think I have ever had a sandwich so sloppily put together, holy crap. So I was like this had better be a DAMN good sandwich. And after all of that nonsense, we had planned on eating our food at a park on base, and we get out of the building, and the officers wouldn't let us go to our cars! Turns out there was a BOMB THREAT at the PX right across the way (the one we were at post-subway), it's a good thing we got out of there when we did. So we had to wait another 2 hours at the gas station outside, haha. It was kind of making Nick a little cranky, haha. Get it, Nick, cranky? LOL ok sorry, that was me making a lame funny. So after sitting there in the BLAZING heat, yes, it was 90 out there the whole time we were there... It was beautiful though. We finally went to the park, and just sat there and talked and held hands, it was so nice. After relaxing, we decided to go play mini-golf, which may I mention, I am SO bad at. So at like the 6th hole, I totally was a poor sport and quit haha... but Nick and his mom & Gary kept playing, and I just kept score.

Okay, so now keep in mind, I was SO surprised that I made it thus far, I mean I had previously been in the hospital for like two weeks, so I was doing sooo good. Then it was time for the dinner with all the soldiers. SO we went into the building and I was having a little bit of a fever, so I took some excedrin because that's all I could get my hands on at the time. Not even 15 minutes later I started coughing and my lungs felt so gurgley, so I ran to the bathroom, and there was this huge line... I asked if I could cut someone and the girls are like "just do it in the sink honey", thinking I had to throw up. Well I went to the sink and totally just started coughing up pools of blood. So naturally, everyone starts FREAKING out, and this woman comes up to me and starts screaming at me that i'm ulcerating and i'm ike "lady no im not I have cystic fibrosis, it's my lungs!", and she's like "no i'm a doctor, it's something you ate, it's the smoke that was on the field, it's this, it's that", oooh how annoying! Anyone with CF knows that when you are coughing, people talking to you, it's the most annoying thing in the world, let alone when blood keeps spilling out of every cough. So then over the loudspeaker they were like "Pvt. Crank, please report to the woman's bathroom" LOL poor Nick! So meanwhile the "doctor" was like, " I just called the ambulance, we're going to get you on a breathing machine. " And of course, I am freaking the heck out! So by then I am done coughing up blood, and the ambulance comes, and takes me to the nearest hospital off base. So we get to Providence hospital in SC, and they basically do some labs on me, and an xray and say i'm "OK"... Which I knew I was going to be anyways. Nick got to come with me off base, and all I could do was cry, I was so sad that we missed the big dinner. But Nick wasn't upset, he just wanted me to be ok. He stayed by my side every second :) My hero.

So around 9:30ish we finally got discharged, and rushed Nick back to formation. He was late for it, but he wasn't in-trouble because he got permission from his 1st commanding officer and one of his drill sergeants. His girl drill sergeant was even in the bathroom when all of this happened, so she totally knew what was going on. We wound up saying good night, and went back to the hotel. I was so afraid to take my medicines, thinking it made my lungs bleed, I was so paranoid I couldn't even get to sleep at a decent time that night. Probably didn't fall asleep until 1 or 2am. Go figure. I got up at 6:30 the next day, took a shower, got ready, but I didn't do much makeup that day. We watched Nick graduate, and it was so amazing! I have some pictures & videos I will post later to this post. After graduation we got to go off base! We headed back to the hotel to relax, just him and I in my room, because it was already such a long day. I wound up taking a nap, and he took a long shower! He wasn't really allowed very long showers in basic, so this was nice for him. After I woke up, I did my makeup, and got dressed up for dinner. We went to a steakhouse, and I didn't really like it too much, but Nick was happy to have a nice big steak. I wasn't really able to enjoy dinner because around that time was the same time 24 hours previously that I had that incident with the blood, so I was a little freaked out and paranoid. We went back to the hotel afterwards, and just spent a lot of time talking. It really made me realize that Nick really truly is my best friend, and I can tell him everything and anything, even if he doesn't want to hear some of the girl stuff haha. We kept looking at the clock, because we knew he had to be back by 3 for formation, so around 2 we left. But before that we just spent a lot of time loving each other, and fell asleep in each others arms, it was so nice. God I miss him so much.

We had to say goodbye again, and it wasn't the least bit easier than the first time. It was harder, and I cried a lot more. It really sucked. At 7am on Saturday morning, he left for Virginia! That was such a lonely day... but luckily we got to text most of the time. We wound up leaving on Sunday at 7am. We were supposed to arrive in redding around 5pm local time, and low and behold, our plane out of San Francisco was CANCELLED! We had like a 9 hour layover, so I just slept on the seats. Yes, I was the creep laying al over the seats, haha. Apparently Pat and Gary had bets on that when I woke up, I would be hungry, hahaha. They were right. We went to a seafood place in the airport, they didn't have much of a selection, so of course, I get the biggest thing on the menu, not to mention the most expensive... 1 1/2lb boiled main lobster, hahaha. It was SO good. After that, we just kind of hung out until the plane arrived around 10 at night. We flew home, and I fell asleep on the plane, then we were in Redding before I knew it. It was even hard to say goodbye to Nicks mom just because we were together for so long... and it was time to go back to reality.

I got home, and passed out! Talk about tired. Haha, that's pretty much my story of SC, I will post more later!


And for the PICTURES :)











xox

Well I can't sleep. I am so stressed about packing everything, and thinking i'm going to over-pack, and/or forget something. I am so excited at the same time, I can't wait. I can't wait to see my husband :)

Today I learned something. Hope. I learned what it really means. It means strength, strength to hold on. Even if others are doubting you, even if you once doubted yourself, having hope means having more strength. There is no such thing as false hope. I hope that one day, I can receive a double lung transplant. I have faith in that, and a lot of hope. Even if I never receive one, my hope still remains. Why not have hope? You don't know what will happen. Life is crazy, and it's full of hope.

At 9:30AM This morning, Heaven received a beautiful, red-headed angel. Her name is Eva, Eva Markvoort. She fought the long battle of Cystic Fibrosis, and Post-transplant rejection. She was waiting for her second transplant, but as her lung function continued to spiral down, she became to weak, and new lungs didn't come soon enough. The thing I love about Eva, is she knew in her heart what was happening, but she loved everyone, so so much. She loved everyone SO much, that she blogged every day until the day she passed. In her weak fragile state, she wanted to update the world with how she was doing. She is such a beautiful girl. I hope that if I face trials and tribulations like her, I can be half of the woman she was. She will be missed, by many people, not to mention the CF community. We love you Eva, and you have given love a whole new definition. May you smile, and be with the angels & good Lord above.

And thank you, for teaching me what you have.

As of this second in time, I feel good. :) Ooooooh yeah. *duh duh duh duh* Like I knew that I would, so good, ah ah, so fine, that i got you! bum bum bum buuum!

Ha, whatever! It's true though. In 15 minutes it will be 3 days until I fly out to South Carolina. I cannot wait. I have butterflies in my stomach as I type. That is all. I just wanted to share my happiness because I have kinda felt crappy lately lol. Woop.





:D

I'm at the point right now, where I don't even know what anything means... and if anything meaningful has a meaning, because everything seems absolutely senseless. I think people just say the phrase 'time flies when you are having fun', as an excuse... because whether or not we accept it, time flies period. I've been pretty sick now for the past almost 6 months, and it seems just like yesterday I was having better days. Out of these 6 months, I don't think a day has been fun. Despite the fact that I have been sick, I have been horribly lonely. Refer back to my older posts of my husband going to bootcamp. It's almost like before everything gets better, it must get it's worst. Or maybe that's just what people say to make themselves sleep better at night.

On a lighter note, I got my doctors to release me for a few days on the 30th-4th, to go to South Carolina to visit my husband, and watch him graduate. By all of the letters he sends, I can tell he is enjoying it. I think deep down, the unknown of the military scares him, but the unknown of anything scares anyone really. From what he tells me, he is a very good gunman, and he has been picked as one of the top in his platoon & company. I don't really know how that works, but I know it's a good thing. I am pretty proud of him, seeing as the "old Nick" he left behind was kind of a couch potato, so all of this is quite a change. I love him so much, and I really think that going out there will be the best thing for him, and for myself. I think a transition will be good for me. I am so tired of seeing the same people, doing the same things, sitting in the same bed, receiving the same medicines, breathing the same air. It's controversial whether or not this will be good for my health, but I know my doctor wouldn't let me go if it wasn't. Well, he wouldn't let me go unless it was AMA. Which I probably wouldn't do. I am not that bad off. I just can't believe he is almost done already, it feels just like yesterday I was crying about him leaving in a week.

I don't know where life will take me after that week. I know he will be going to Virginia, and then I will probably stay here until I get better. I want to move with him so bad, but we really wont find out anything until he gets where he's going. Some say I can move, some say I can't. I think him and I both are on the same page where my health is concerned. I need to stay here until I am well enough to handle a move. And this would be a very big move. I am so tired of moving though, I mean I moved at least 5 times last year. I am too tired to even want to count, but 5 at the least.

I am pretty tired now, so I think I am going to go. Sorry for the lack of posts. I don't think many people read this anyways.

Alyssa

I feel as if sleep is a nutrient.
Another nutrient, that I am lacking.
Sleep deficiency. Insomnia? Understatement.
What is sleep?
What are the feelings before sleep?
Loneliness? Afraid? Disorientation?
Falling asleep, falling deep into a hole.
Never landing, reality awaking.
Light turns on, noises all around.
Reality? This is reality.
Time for antibiotics. It's only 7am.
Sluggishly dragging my feet around
the house. Cocktails of pills.
Stop. Breathe. Cough. Breathe. Sit.
Eat, exercise, rest. Rest? What is rest?
My eyes close, to good to be true.
Wake up, it's 12 afternoon. More antibiotics.
Needles, saline, powdered substances, mixing.
Mixing this potion that will make my days easier.
Or harder?
Eat. rest.
The vest, it shakes reality into my bones.
My dry cough, so sad.
Breathe in this liquid. .
Nothing happening.
Cough, Cough, cough.
Time for dinner.
Can't hold you down.
Little tiny pills, make my nausea disappear.
I will eat later.
7pm, IV's again.
No escape from this leash.
No escape from this hell.
Bed time, time to cry, don't let anyone see you.
Bravery so others call it...
I call it robbery.

February 8th, 2010. I stepped on the scale, 89.0 lbs. How disgusting, if 89.0 lbs was a person, I'd punch it in the throat. Getting sick sucks, it's like I have to have a child-sized wardrobe for my 'sick' seasons, and then my regular sized wardrobe for my healthy times. I think it's safe to say that my ass has nothing less than disappeared. I don't even fit into my ugly 00's at the moment.

I got home from the hospital today, so I am not at my healthiest. I blame that on my weight. I have 7 weeks to fatten up before I see my blue eyed babe. Speaking of which, I get my IV out in 12 days, then I am going tanning & definitely getting a gym membership. I know, you are probably like, "Uhm, hello Mrs. 89 lbs, gym membership? WTF?" I am not getting one to lose weight. I am getting one to gain some muscle mass on these poor twig-like bones, and to increase my lung capacity. So my goal by the end of March is to be at least 100 lbs, and be tan, and IN SHAPE!

That's pretty much all I wanted to say. If you want an update on my health, read my blog strictly for my CF. :)XOXO

Well, it's 5:30, and I can't sleep. I am not exactly your early bird, so I find it incredibly annoying if I am up this early, specially for no reason. I was falling asleep around midnight and for some reason, between then and now, I have woken up like 3-4 times. I don't feel OK when I get fractured sleep. I hope I'm not getting sick, and this is just one of those things. I even just bought a bedset and put it on yesterday, lol what the heck. My bed was so soft and such, I am so mad that I'm not SLEEPING IN IT!

In other news, it has actually been sunny for 2 days now, I hope today brings sun too. Not that it's a huge difference, I don't really go out anyway, but it's always nice to see the sunshine through my blinds. :)

I got my car registered yesterday, that was exciting. Now I can drive around without being paranoid. I probably wont get my tags until Wednesday though, but that's okay. Now I just need to figure out what the fuck is in my car that's making it leak... I really hope it stays dry enough long enough for us to figure it out & get it fixed. My car is like going to start growing mold :(

Well, Nick left on the 19th. We woke up, he packed his little bag of stuff he could bring, and we headed out. We left early so we could pay his cellphone bill, and the place wasn't even open by 9AM, which I thought was weird. So we went and got some coffee right next to the recruiters office at Starbucks instead. It was the last quality time we were to spend together for a while. I think I had cried so much on and off the day before, that "The Day" wasn't too hard. We pulled up to the recruiters station, and of course his whole family was there. I think it kind of stressed Nick out a little bit, just because it made him feel like it was this HUGE deal (even though it was), but he just doesn't like to feel like that. A couple of his friends showed up that didn't have to work, which was nice. I'm sure it made him happy. Of course, my Nicklebutton never fails to forget something, lol, and he forgot his Debit card, so he had to take mine. Kind of sucks because now I have to re-order one for myself. Oh well, I will live.

Anyways, so what has happened SINCE then is that he went to MEPS that day, and Ft. Leonardwood in Missouri reported to MEPS that they were full and no longer excepting anymore recruits, so Nick and 5 other guys got transferred to Ft. Jackson, in South Carolina. I think Nick was a little upset about this because he detests North Carolina, haha... But they are two different states, and he'll grow to learn that. He got to ATL earlier today (well yesterday since it's technically the 21st now), and they had a 4 hour bus ride to SC, then 36 hour processing from there. They took his phone and iPod after the lecture on the bus (or before they got on the bus), so my contact with him now is very limited and I won't talk to him again until they give him the phone call home. After that we will be writing regularly. I can't wait.

But with all that being said, I think I am doing fairly well with my emotions. I know that some days are going to be harder than others, but I will make it through. I know that as much as I am loving and missing him, he is doing just the same. It's rougher for me at night, because night time is harder to keep myself busy than it is in the day time. I have Brandi here for now, but she is moving out on Saturday, she has been a great help, ever since I met her generally, but specially since Nick has left. My dad will be staying with me the whole time, but it just makes me sad that now my bestie is moving out too. Luckily she's still trapped in the same town as me ;). I have a lot of supportive people here for me, so I am not the one I am worrying about. It's Nick. I hope that he is able to make some good friends along the way, and has some people to talk to for support. I know guys are different than girls and they just don't openly talk about their feelings... But I know that there are going to be other guys there that just got married, and are spending there first chunk of away time from their wives too. It will help if he can talk it out I think :)

Anyways, I just keep praying and keeping faith to get me through the day, weeks, months, then I am hoping it will come before you know it and I will be visiting my loverbum. I have been feeling great and I want to keep it that way. And on that note - I think I am going to go to sleep, this is the first time i've been up this long in a while haha. Goodnight <3


Xx,
Alyssa

Well, last night Brandi & I went to a healing convention at the local Civic Center. It was put on by Bethel Church I believe, but thousands of people from around the world went. The worship was great! I don't go to church often, but when I do, I just feel Jesus flowing through my veins from the sound of the music. Specially when it's concert-style. After the worship the pastor talked about the words of knowledge and he had people will terminal diseases, and cancer raise their hand. Now I didn't go to this thing expecting a miracle, I actually went to see miracles happen. It's the most amazing thing. But Hundreds of people lain their hands on me and the people who couldn't reach me put their arms towards me, and everyone just prayed. It was so powerful and selfless. I've never really ever experienced a love like that. It is so refreshing to know that their actually ARE good people in this world, and that it's not completely full of assholes. Anyways, a lot of people who had surgeries on their backs and things like that, got healed and it was a miracle! We watched them bend in ways they never could before, right infront of our eyes. God is so AMAZING! Tonight is the last day it will be held for this year, in Redding. I don't think I will be going because the service literally is almost like 5 hours, and I can sit still for that long :( If it wasn't so cramped I would. But I am just so blessed to have been able to see all those miracles and feel the love of people and God last night. I am so happy that Brandi was there with me. There is nothing like holding your best friends hand in a moment like that. :)

Nick leaves on Monday already, I think I am kind of numb to it now. I am sure that I will be a big bawl baby as soon as it comes time to say good-bye. But we made a promise that every night at 8pm California time and 10pm Missouri time, we are going to think about each other. It will be a good way to comfort each other when we can't be there for each other physically. I am just excited for him, I know this will be good for him, and I have a hunch he's going to make some good friends. I just have to pull my part and keep myself healthy. My biggest fear is having me get sick, and him being out there feeling helpless for me.

That's about all for now, ciao! xx Godbless.

Toiletseatitis - Commonly known as "Put the toilet seat down when you are finished". Symptoms include, but are not limited to; forgetting to put the toilet seat down after peeing, spots of pee on the rim of the toilet bowl, splatters of pee on the floor, and other bizzare findings, varying from male to male.

Shavers Syndrome - Commonly known as "What the hell?" Symptoms include, but are not limited to; leaving pubic-hair-like-after-shavings around and in the sink, leaving razor out, once again, other bizzare findings, varying from male to male.


I am here to raise awareness of these two very annoying illnesses that are commonly found in men. Please tell me I am not the only wife who suffers? Support group, anyone?


LOL.

Woah, it's so weird to hover over the time on the computer and have it say '2010'.

Anyway, 2010 didn't really come in with a big bang or anything, but we did go to a little get together... it was kind of depressing. It's like everything and everyone about last year was washed away. New friends, new resolutions, new jobs, new cities, new things happening.

I never really do new years resolutions, only because no one and I mean no one that I know actually follows it throughout the whole year. It's almost just an excuse to make new goals, when you really can do that at anytime. This whole year isn't promised anyways, so why not make a goal while you can? My 'goal' for the first couple months is to excel in my health, specifically getting rid of this bug that I have in my lungs, and to gain some more weight, maybe be at 110. With Nick leaving, it's going to be weird starting the year off without him, but I am strong, and I will get through. I just hope I am not stressed too much. I've never done a long distance relationship... not a serious one anyways, unless you count like 5th grade on the internet, lolol. But yeah, I am going to pretty much rock this new year out of the world. I want to toast to good health, prosperity and a lot of love!

Well, recently some things have been happening with my dad and his wife, so he is going to come to California again and he will be staying with me. I am honestly so excited, I was afraid I wasn't really going to get the help that I needed without Nick here because sometimes my health get's a little goofy and I literally need assistance up the stairs. Lol, talk about an old fart. I can't walk up stairs, I got bad knees, I can't hear ya, and to top it off, I need a placard for my car. Hahahahaha, I love it. I am getting old. But fuck that, I will get better, just takes some time, patience, good mind set compliance, and support. But yeah, so he will be here for I dont know how long, but he is good company, and he is like a best friend, so I am excited to help him out, because he's always been here for me!

Hmm nothing else is new really, I cooked some good dinner though, lol I should be a chef. I don't even know why but when I start cooking I am totally in a different mind set, is anyone else like that? I like to cook by taste. My grandma raised me, so I am used to cooking homemade meals and using the good shit, like real butter, whole milk... etc. Gotta fatten up somehow. :)

Okay, well I am going to go, Ciao! <3
xx