For every action, there is a consequence.

I've been really hooked on this new show (new to me), called "Six Feet Under", It's really great. It has the guy in it who plays in Dexter. Anyways it is about a family who live in a funeral home. The dad was the head undertaker, and he had passed away, so it's up to his two sons to keep the funeral home going. It's full of dark comedy, drama, and a lot of different emotions. All in all, it's great. I definitely think this is my new Nip/Tuck. Anyways, it really got me thinking last night. Are there people out there who's lives haven't effected anyone else? And when they die, no one is aware of it? I mean I am sure there are some people, but those people chose to live that way, for the most part. It just made me realize that I want to impact so many people before my time here on Earth is finished. Not saying I think I am going to die any time soon, but when I do, I want people to think "Oh! Alyssa showed me how to do that!" Or something like that... I want to inspire people and make people smile.

Ever since I could remember, when I was little I would get in trouble sometimes, and my Grandma would get mad at me. Just for that, I would be mad at her, even though she didn't do anything really, besides show her emotion for my action. But when she would be disappointed in me, it would be the worst feeling ever. And to this day, I hate it when people are disappointed in me! I can say that I really don't disappoint people a lot, but when I do, and if I do, I feel like saying a sincere "sorry" doesn't even help. And I feel like disappointment leaves a bigger mark on a person than anger does. So for anyone that I have disappointed, I am sorry. I often feel like I disappoint my family, and my friends, because of my health. The reason I feel like this is because when I was little, my Grandma raised me for the most part, and she made sure I was in top health. She pretty much poured her life into my health, and gave up everything else, just to make sure that her baby girl was healthy. When my mom and dad came into my life, they did the same thing. When I reached about 16 years old my health was in my own hands, and I bailed on my health. I bailed on myself. My health is at least 50% of who I am... and I just didn't care. I wanted to go out, do everything I could do, and then I would get completely sick. I did that until I was about 19. And now, I am making up for it, and everything that I did... is irreversible. Everything my Grandma did for me... I have completely fucked up.

So, this is why I feel like I am a disappointment to my family. I wish there was time machines, but their aren't. I know my family loves me with all that they are, and so do I... but I wish I could give them more. I wish I could be here with them until they all turn old and grey... But the possibilities are slim. My biggest regret is not taking care of myself though, because now I have found the love of my life, and our marriage could be ended by my passing one day. I still in vision us old, and grey together... but sometimes, reality hits.

Anyways, this wasn't meant to be a sad post at all, but it kind of turned out to be... Like I said, I don't think I am going anywhere for a long while. But I just wish my time here on earth was longer... But I made my mistakes, and this is me paying for it. For every action, their really is a consequence. Watch out.

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