Nothing else to do..

I don't even know if I can say that I like sleeping anymore... I feel like I am constantly being awoken during the night by various things, dreams, paranoia, pain, coughing, my husband shuffling around, body slamming himself as he rolls over (in times like those, investing in a tempurpedic doesn't sound too bad). I don't know if it's like a depression thing or what, but it really blows. I can't even remember the last time I woke up and felt like I had a GREAT nights sleep. Maybe it's just a part of getting older. I think I woke up atleast 6 times between 8am-12pm (I slept in, mind you) this morning. I was afraid to look at the clock when I finally woke up because I swore it was going to be at the very least like... 4 haha. I was a little relieved to know it was only 12. I didn't get to bed until about 5am though, due to my lovely entertainment.

So as of today, Nick leaves in exactly a month... I know it's not permanent, but I feel like time isn't promised anymore.... (due to the loss of so many friends this year). He'll be gone for somewhere around 3 months, and when I compare it, it's like... he'll be gone for as long as we've been married so far. 3 whole months. Time has passed fast with him here, but for him to be gone for 3 months, and me having to deal with whatever life will throw my way is going to be hard. Selfishly of course I don't want him to go, but I knew that this would eventually happen. I guess it's just harder to deal with when reality slaps you in the face.

Anyways, speaking of losing people... I don't even know. It seems like SO many CFers have passed away this year... It just really breaks my heart. It's so hard to stay strong and in a positive mind set when you are sick and those around you are literally dropping like flies. I've had a few mental break downs this year, it's horrible. As for now I am on my anti-depressents, until I know that I am strong enough to face things on my own. I miss everyone though, It's like, every new song I hear on the radio i'm like "I wonder if so-and-so would like this song" but i'll never know, because they aren't here anymore. It's so weird to know that I met Daniel a year ago in octoberish, and now he is gone. I mean I didn't even really know him for a full year, but I felt like he led a big impact on my life, like what could happen to you if you don't take care of yourself. And then there is Jon (no cf), my best friends dad, whom played a important role in my life... He was just an amazing person, and he went off the deep end. And in the end, I couldn't even be there for my best friends. It makes me feel like a horrible person, but they know I am sick, and I can't do some things. But he always put off the 'you can do anything as long a you set your mind to it' vibe. It was nice, because it's pretty true. To me, anyways. Then I heard about Ashley Little who passed away, granted I never met her, but she was such an inspiration to me.... Her and her family were so so proactive about her health, and even when transplant was the only option, they took it on like a champ... And now the Lord gave her her wings. I am just so confused as to why life has to work that way. When half of us are just killing ourselves, and she just wanted life. I start thinking that she never got to fall in love, get married, have kids, go to prom, none of the things a girl always wants. :( Anyways I just get too far into thinking. But I miss all that have been taken away. May the good die young.

Eh, I think I am going to attempt the kitchen, it needs to be cleaned, and it's definitely not going to do it itself. Goodbye for now!

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